The past few days, reading about and processing the news about the “Cornell 7” has brought up many horrific memories for me of being sexually assaulted in college, and otherwise confronting “sketchy” male sexual behavior as a woman, throughout my teens, 20’s and well beyond. 

 

It’s no secret to those who follow my music that I have written more than a few songs informed by those experiences, including “Guardians” from my first album. 

 

I was very fortunate in that the person who assaulted me in college actually wrote an apology letter, wherein they literally outlined what occurred, how sorry they were and that they resolved to never do it again to anyone else. They described themselves as immature and reckless and seemed to take ownership of their actions; it felt, for whatever that can be worth at such a young age, like a genuine apology. It also felt like a kind of insurance policy - he had admitted in writing what he did! Surreal but also vaguely satisfying. 

 

Others who “crossed boundaries” in years to come - in the murky waters of the music business especially when youth and inexperience can put us women in unfortunate vulnerable positions - were much more lacking in self-awareness; I learned over and over the hard way to protect myself but some of these lessons came at a high price and let’s just say I poured it all into my lyrics.

 

As wildly surprised as I was to receive that mixed-bag of a an apology-missive in college, when I eventually shared it with my mother, the two of us crumpled on a staircase, she cried with me and told me how sorry she was. She was not afraid to acknowledge this terrible thing that had happened to her daughter, and there was certainly never a question of blame or believing me. For that, I was always grateful because being seen, heard and acknowledged in these terrible situations is a necessary step toward healing.

 

I still have that letter tucked in a drawer; I had never looked at it again but in the wake of this news, thinking about Jane Doe and the thousands of others like her, I decided to read it again. There will always be a kind of numbness around that acknowledgement and seeming repentance I received, but it is also painful obviously to look back and to recall how it impacted me for so long. My grades suffered to the extreme, I had severe depression, I cancelled plans to study overseas. I was so lucky that I was able to join a women’s performance collective on campus that created art specifically confronting issues like SA, as well as body imagery, self esteem and all the myriad challenges young women face in college culture and at large. For me, college has always been a giant sore point I never really want to discuss or think much about. I muscled through it and never felt like I really “belonged” but I also always had songwriting which was a huge gift. Going back for a reunion? No thank you…

 

I never like to reduce myself - or anyone else - to traumatic experiences, but I felt it was important to (re)share some of my experience and perspective at this time. My love of women, of women’s music, of being a leader as a woman in the music business but mainly as a friend and hopefully some kind of a mentor to other women has always been very much at the forefront of my life and work. Perhaps I would’ve gone down those paths even if I hadn’t gone through what I did, but who knows. While I did confide to one of my theatre studies teachers - who was reasonably sympathetic if not ill-equipped to advise - I know I didn’t feel I could press charges in college after what happened to me without paying an even higher prices than I already was mentally and physically; I had chronic bronchitis from stress, hardly slept and it’s arguable my immune system never quite recovered as the first thing my oncologist asked me decades later when I was diagnosed with cancer was “were you ever sexually assaulted?”

 

I often wonder: where are those studies? Who is asking those statistical questions of women with cancer and documenting them? The fact that my doctor did ask has always stuck with me and made me reflect more deeply on it, mainly to my self. 

 

I am not sure what more to say at this time other than that I have been and always will be standing up for myself and for all women who have gone through this kind of trauma. I have worked at a rape crisis center and on hotlines and counseled others who have been through it and while there should never be a contest for suffering, I am simply left wondering how anyone who has endured exactly what this young woman did at Cornell could continue on. May G-d give her strength, and may some kind of justice - if not personal apologies/accountability on the part of those men who allegedly committed the crimes - prevail, Amen. 

 

To all of the mothers and fathers who have been sharing how they are (re)educating their sons to react and be responsible if similar situations arise: thank you. You are doing the work that needs to be done to hopefully create lasting change. 

 

With love, solidarity and hope, 

Rachael