Poetry
One color might be enough
It might be enough for love to drown in
One color might be enough
Or only concede that no cry is alone
No shine on anything's surface
Might make things simple to see what is pure
No shine on anything's surface
Might be more holy or just hard to endure
What is it makes a person long to be as wild as a buffalo's heart
What is it makes the wind return the things to you you'd prayed would depart
How does a moth know that the lamp inside a space is the very best part
Everything glowing's bellowing don't forget how to start
Shadows are angels who hover
Searing through every mistake like a flame
Shadows are angels uncovered
Once you've looked darkness in the eye you're never ashamed
So cover the mirrors, turn off the lights
It's never or now the soul's holding on to
Cover the mirrors, turn off the lights
Somebody whispered this scene could come true
What is it makes a woman long to be as deep as mystery's well
What is it makes the rain return her tears to her swiftly as they fell
How does a candle know a windowpane's a canvas craving the night
Everything ancient's offering don't forget how to fight
Angry at all the time that's passed as a lion's roaring, endless
Angry at all the voices shouted innocence would be fine
Angry at all the fabrications forged from a fear that grew
Some creatures aren't made for living much as they're made to die of rue
What is it makes a vision seem to be as real as the sand in your shoes
What is it makes a man believe in hope despite the faith he will lose
How does a gipsy grieve for grace slipping through fingers of unrest
Everything olden's shivering don't forget it's a test
Everything golden's shimmering don't forget...
So cover the mirrors, turn off the lights
It's never or now the soul's holding on to
Cover the mirrors, turn off the lights
Somebody whispered this scene could come true
someone saw me tonight
and said that I looked "overwhelmed"
as if a dam
I poured out tears I hadn't even known I'd held
I've tried my whole life to be the kind of person
who searches for meaning, hidden or merely faded
in everything
but then there is you and I am lost in my wandering
pitifully unable to connect or encourage
why should love be this complicated
why is it not enough that my belief in you
might lift you up
I ask this question alone in the dark
2 candles lit poor Sabbath in her beauty
impatiently waiting for me to let go
of everything I am frustrated I cannot control
I wish I were religious or that I knew where we'll be
when we are no longer here maybe it'd make me less
sad to be missing you, as long as we are still in the same city
passing like thieves in the night that never ends
people always tell me
I never smile in pictures
"you have such a beautiful smile -
why don't you let someone capture it?"
capture my smile?
I think cameras should be used
to capture sadness, or at the very least
longing, so we don't forget every obstacle passes
smiles are faith's opening into the future
where happiness cannot be ruled
shining, unguarded
like the moon
stillness
is something so sacred
I look at you and I long
to be still
still enough to feel
with what it was I fell in love
in you
without all the noise
around us clanging
clocks in a shop no light
shining through
"you sound like..."
"you look like..."
"it seems like..."
oh Love, do you long
for moments of peace
appreciating everything
without questioning
everything we (still)
don't know
5 essential things I believe:
I believe that when a baby first cries
it's because it knows another baby's dying
I believe that first love is sacred and shapes
who you are for the rest of your life
I believe that the soul is G-d's way
of travelling everywhere at once; and that it has no sex
I believe that the point of existence
is to share what you have with others who don't have it
And that art is the place where Beauty
Intersects with Truth (which is often Ugliness)
tv's on
haven't written
in so long feels like I've
forgotten
how to be
I used
to look for life between
lines I wrote myself for
reasons
only G-d knows why
what's happening
am I losing
the thread I've always had
isn't love supposed
to open you
up?
can crystal ball already
this won't work easily
though admittedly I've feared
you'd prophesy so
can sense it like icicles
stabbing through my eyes
the blinding-waiting for
love's lung to let go
you wrote you adored
me in rivers of words
(and once left a message
if memory serves)
you never say nothin'
can actually be heard
as though speaking aloud
might torture slow-boil
what tongues can't taste
too many more nights
so I'll lie here and starve
hungry girl you guess I am
and I've let
you believe
even though
I'm much more
man
this phase doesn't
last forever
so screw it
gonna enjoy it
gonna be somebody
grosses other people out
in subway cars all over
each other shamelessly
promise me you'll keep making
cookies you always will I'm
assuming for no specific
reason but why can't I pretend
c'est seulement pour moi
silently worrying I don't
cook quite as well (at all really)
but hey maybe that's fine
'cause this verse is sweetish
and you'll lure me back
to the bed hasn't
bothered to remake itself
since the last time we left
it imagining I'm someone
passion unravels
underneath me will be
someone so good for you
just haven't found her yet
she's so mysterious
patiently waiting for old
knells to ring false
questioning
everything
comes way
too easily
to me
I think I know
then I see
nothing is
what I'd
hoped
it would be
so cruel if
life's grave
gave up
now
if she quit permitting
old dreams to lie
peacefully within
the garden
of denial
when I knew
what I wanted
it was easier
still I'm so
grateful
you came
like a cloud
beautiful
strange
shapes
like a million
new things
I'd never
seen having
always
been a loner
out of reach
high on hope
or alternately
crashing burning
questioning
everything
comes way
too easily
to just be
I wish I knew
how to throw
away this
useless old
rope
hold me sweet
close me up
open as I
am it's
cold
what do
you need
to learn
before you
will speak
I will never
tell you
what I
already
know
the answer
to (for you)
is so clearly
assuredly
no
I didn't think I could sleep through the night
in your arms without
whispering something you'd regret
when I feel your heart's breath
it reminds me of oceans
I've never loved to swim
the water seems like death
waiting to dance inside my pores
but undeterred, I lie soul-still,
restless 'till I rise
fighting the calm like it is
the ocean, fighting its own tide
what's true and ashamed to speak
what's warm and afraid to shiver
what's red and just out of reach
owns the answer to this riddle
to see so much beauty
through your eyes
something I never expected tonight
sorry with all of my heart
freedom's observance
prevented me from
following you
to where I
have never been
I don't know
what it is
I can't put my
finger on it
I try to be angry
at circumstance
and then you send
me these photos of your
self
(your true self, how you see things)
one thing I have learned
from years of making the same
wish every birthday
is that life doesn't wait
and blossoms don't bloom endlessly
so whatever you feel
know that I am possessed
by a light you might not see
touching you (no less)
even if I were not your lover
I would love you
because you work well
with others (something I struggle with,
to say the least)
I'd love you because
you have not been afraid
to follow your bliss
curséd though it
may still seem to you at times
because you
ache in a way more subtle
than I'm apt to melt down
suddenly overcome with
new landslides
I'd love you because
you're not afraid
of change,
not easily
phased
because you could
kill me in the most gentle
way possible, just by looking
straight at me, and sight
shows some mercy
I'd love you because you were
just what I needed
Astaire-on-the-ceiling
reeling me back to earth
I'd never had brunch before
with a paramour of course dinner
breakfast in bed lunches and
so forth but you felt like someone
I'd take home for the Holidays
before you even took me for
a fool and for that I will always
thank you
so look -
I am in deep with you
(and I don't even know who you are)
it doesn't seem fair
this double-edged sword
my Scorpio blessing's
my weakness' core
I sit on the carpet
musing at collections
of things I have memorized
until they're invisible
what's second nature
what's useless used-to
what's chaos/order
I've come
to leave
as regularly as the seasons
swell around us
monsoons of waiting
I'm waiting for someone
to tell me they take me
just as I am but still...
they'd long to see me change
why is that too much to ask for?
why does submitting to all of this
wishing make me the culprit
I can barely look in the mirror
as dependent as I am
on your recognition
should I just break it?
bare-fisted, I could surely
what use are these hands
anyway, so deeply misunderstood
be careful what you wish for
isn't that how the saying goes
there is a gap Adonai knows
between how we lie together
and what you will not say
and I wonder restlessly:
if I didn't pry, would you share your good news
if I didn't offer, would you educe these hues
my last true love was so long ago
I admit I've forgotten what depth dances like
still I try to allow my six senses to drown
desolate as most oceans appear to me now
tell me, my friend...
are you home tonight? dare I rap
on the the door of your personal fortress
or is it best I remain inside my own igloo
where at least it's safe and there's no bloodstain
to rival my ensemble (wistfully gone to waste)
Yesterday revealed
my friend reattempting
to end this life
suffering so long
refusing to let me help
in any way nonetheless
Today was a truck
running over my insides
if that is possible
(surface intact)
what will tomorrow be like?
I pray for an understanding
beyond my fears
I lie down with demons
to see what death must
feel like it or not this is
real
and it
spills
---
Today I overslept
through two alarms
an apt analogy
for this mournful epoch
slow was I to respond
consumed with new
Love and future's work
now present is tangled
equally with lies
a kite I can't
follow even as it
flies
if I can't tell you
soon
I think I will
explode with waiting
waiting's such a productive thing
it makes you write
straightens your spine
helps you defray
the cost of submitting
full as you become
with the counting of each
white cloud passing
and each rising/setting
of the orange sun
nonetheless,
I crave you more
the more you make me
wait it's a good game - bliss!
this chance to be absolutely
certain that if those words
ever reach the surface
they'll be mutually spoken
affectionately received
by both of us at once
from one another or like
gold greedily pilfered
in case we should
weaken someday
and stoop to
steal them
back
what
is it going to
take
for you to say
you care
about me
will I have to
sear my skin
for attention
will I have to
lash out
at your pride
how
can I relax
when
all I feel is
questioning
feverish
the line
between trust
and adoration
is impatience
and I've uncouthly
crossed
today I saw rope for the first time in months
sitting across from you, black-eyed, soul-bruised
the look of an urchin, prophet-speak, soul-wise
how can someone be so carefully defeated
and offer such wisdom, unflinchingly bold
refusing to soften the truth (shame's cuckold)
you told me what ailed me and how to recover
if only I could take the place of a pigeon
if only I could fake not being too jaded
I've collaged you all of my life, onto bare walls
before you wrote me picture-poems before
I knew you were my sister-more
coffee-beans black hair dye
silver earrings meandering stories
unfailing humor vicious jealousy
I can see you like you see me
and I watch you lamb-to-slaughter
open your eyes embrace rushing iron ore
if I thought you needed
another thing
I'd leave where I am
and go hunt for the best
I'd board a big plane
or climb up a ladder
or maybe just wander
my neighborhood searching
for just the right necktie
or briefcase or powertool
maybe a book from
Shakespeare's or the Strand
if I thought you were hungry
I'd whip up my favorite
recipe for something
never-created
but in my soul I know
you own all you need
so I'll settle for poetry
not quite my forté
nevertheless words unique
and unprecedented
are like mannah
(the day you were made)
I wonder sometimes
what allows us to inter-
connect with each other
when clearly we're far
from conquering wisdom
we'll need to succeed at
sharing more than surface
expressions of awe
I think what I'm hoping
today more than ever
is somehow that your wish
will wear down the hour
of my wish awaiting
occasion to burst
from the inseam of gratitude's
cape in reverse
there is always someone who suffers
for the sake of your dream
some people like to kid themselves
"if I do what's best for me..."
it will shine like starlight upon
others in my life
but reality dictates that where there is sun
there will also be fire and you have been
burning for seven-some-odd years
what was I doing was dreaming
succeeding pursuing immortality-
obsessed, driven, undressed
by visions
so vacuous they might've toppled Rome
I feel light now I've finally admitted my fatal
flaw is I'm afraid to come home afraid to sit
still long enough to uncover the truth
of what makes me crave
strangers' approval
(I feel alone
no matter
what)
you were gone
when we needed you most
left alone in a maze of unrest
left to search for backbones between
weeping tree-trunks hoping some of them
might just be vaguely sacred
I wander around now circling benches like pigeons only touching down for the kindness of bread-crumbs: love flattery obsession lust passion possession admiration trust me true love's merely months away from true
loss
I have decided
it is ok
if you fail
I knew you at your peak
so I can say honestly
I was lucky
free will is not easy
we're born
and we struggle
but your pain I'm afraid
ain't no worse
than nobody's
no matter
how hard
I try to pretend
otherwise it would mean
your universe
surpasses
other human
psyches
as fragile
as pure
and I'm sure
that it doesn't
I prayed for you
a long time
it's true
I'll always remember
you as
you were
but if you can't
celebrate
yourself
the way
I've tried so
hard to help you
all I can say
is goodbye
and hope
that this thread
you're hanging by
breaks close
enough to the ground
for you to fall
gently
'cause fear
shows its face
at the greediest
times
if I never
picked up the phone again
just to see how you are
and listen with soul
would you ever reply?
if I never
wrote you another note
sealed with longing's wax
etched in leaves of gold
would you ever reach out?
ambivalence is grotesque
but it's true and your truth's
never touched me yet
despite my own's urging
to just let go
if I never
whispered another word
kindness-filled and brimming
with Passion's rose
would you part your mouth?
oh how tired, my eyes
oh how strained, my voice
questions seize my heart
cruel they stab, unposed
not a day goes by
when I don't think
about you
though it may seem
like I've forgotten
how much in love
we once were
but rest assured
(find peace and know)
it's you I struggle
to not long for
not an hour passes
when I don't wonder
where you are
though it may feel
like distance is
a narrow wire
and fire below
but blessed is
(against all odds)
the source of light
that was your soul
once pure and new
before it burned
like so much hope
stained with charcoal
---
when I walk the plank
when I run my mile
when I think of where
I spent my best breath
I pray that your face
innocent with love
will emerge as what
saved my days from death
what is the one thing
that scares you the most
if you could bring yourself
to share this with me
I think maybe I could love you
enough
there are days when it seems
you're unflappable and I
want to shake you
by your shoulders
push you into the deep
water
I can't even swim
who am I to judge
I won't even drive
you could say I'm helpless
you never would you're far too
polite
what sort of person
falls in love so deeply
plunging down white rivers
with reckless refusal
to heed history's warnings
I'm laughably slow as I'm
wise
speed is so relative
say that I like to go fast
but reality proves that I'm
just as content to sit still
letting life splash my eyes with
sun
rays so sharp through
the windows of motels
seedy, decor-less
the opposite of beauty
is not ugliness, it's
fear
it was an early
night tonight
I might've slept
I had the time
sack-clothed in traif
should have collapsed
desiring you
is not a theme
on which I'm proud
to rhapsodize
awake with all
my dauntless joy
bittersweet joke
brazen turmoil
or is it bliss
bleeding soul's stone
when all you have
should be enough
don't know myself
enough to grasp
grey sky's listless
misleading fog
with hands of hope
I wrestle faith
sleepwalker lost
longing's ocean
I long to trust
what I don't own
oh neverending
night alone
sweet heart...
when you say "I understand"
is when I am often
most deeply worried
accept me for who I want to be
not merely as I am
(when who I am is broken)
when you say "don't worry" it will all be ok
is when I seem to become
most desperate for distance
as though suddenly the air I breathe
is riddled with smoke and I pine
for remote new possibilities to inspire
I promise...
as long as I am yours
and in my soul
your trust is carried
I will press you to be
that which you would become
(like clouds before they form)
and in love's moonshine
we will gaze though it may spill
like beads upon on the floor
sweet heart...
when you say "let it go" and just breathe
is when I am too often
gasping for reason
embrace me for what I might earn
not merely what I've collected
(when what I have's but daydreaming)
when you say "don't worry" tomorrow's still coming
is when I find I am the most lost
and pining for past lives
sometimes I wish we could just be still
and stare slowly at discontentment,
to gather our selves
and rise...
home
is a loaded
gun of a room
bullet-like reminders
shooting straight at me
no stars
only blinders
not knowing
where to begin's
quite a difficult thing
for a reluctant Queen
of so many
time-travelers
cursed discipline
trapeze artiste
mezzo-soprano
realist painter
surrealist writer
classical actress
Byronic lover
buckling daughter
home is
a hateful
clandestine moon
I'd burn it all
down if it'd
cure this
great gloom
"Untitled" - 5/16/06
so how is it
so how are you
would you sketch me
slow midnight
I undress
adeptly moon-crazed
in a drowned daze
I ignite
I have waited
patient decades
for the chance
to shine this beam
dare I open
up my window
to rush over
drear's railing
you said you could
catch me darling
easily you'd
break my fall
I think maybe
love's a swimmer
lonesome as
the river's call
you said baby
time's a sinner
who's been grifted
leaves will fall
spring in winter
summer's splinter
calm inside
serene is
all
"Speak" - 9/24/05
made for tv movie the girl
who played the victim
was good
her performance was powerful
watching in a hotel room I believed her
somewhere in Pennsylvania
she has a new fan
what is it when the story
someone else tells for a living
is the same as the one
you can't tell to save
your own life
I want to find her upstart leading-girl
thank her personally
send her a letters
catharsis is deeply
underestimated
I don't have tv at home
but out here on the road
arrows come from left field
stabbing moments of awe
where the memory
of something unjustifiable
haunts unrelenting
nightmarish a claw
"speak" that's what it was called
some made for tv movie
why didn't I have the guts
at her humble age
I remember being as sullen as this girl
I remember being as scared as this girl
in the movie I remember
being as secretive and swearing
people off
like it was yesterday
when we're running out
of meaning pausing
comes at such
a cost
"Vision" - 9/11/05
i am afraid of your sarcasm
(even though i am sarcastic to a fault)
i am afraid of your ambition
(though i am driven toward a mission with no peace in sight)
i am embarrassed by your arrogance
(though i've long clutched my own confidence as proudly as a jewel)
i suppose i have a crush on where clouds overlap
i am put off by your tendency
to call me when i'm busiest
(though were you not to i'd be mysteriously disappointed)
laugh away, blind witness to history repeating itself
in my willingness to succumb
(though charming is not exactly what i'd call you)
i suppose i have a need to feel understood by gypsies and strangers, even after years of learning and relearning they are bound to let me down
i'm admittedly excited by the prospect of collaboration
yet keenly aware that I hate to share pastels
(why would it be different, this time than in the past)
haunted, i envy in you what i'd be better off admiring
from a distance - which is _____
(oh how to frame something you merely wish you felt, saw, were)
i suppose i have a weakness for beauty
so in-focus i can see its blood pumping
through sapphire veins, shameless, hypnotic
I see it in you and they told me
vision would be a curse
(to say the least)
sometimes canopies resemble skeletons
lying down - curtainless - i count ceiling stars
"To Life" - 8/14/05
you don't know
me but I've met
you twice and
in my darkest hour
your music saved
me from my anger
from giving up
from losing heart
from doubt's despair
so the tears
of hope's happiness
that flooded my heart
when I heard, after all,
you would be alright
will never dry and always
like softest satin will
stay stained precious
soulful and sacred
for all of us who've danced
mystically with your spirit muse
as as our curtain call
thank G-d you are so
strikingly strong, unbroken
though shaken
thank G-d you'll be as loved
as the light you've long showered
look how it becomes
your boomerang now
bouquets of song-stories
blessing you and your beloved
shamelessly
as these days go by
rest your voice peace
quiet cape kissing
brave shoulders
breathe and
be loved
"Ocean" - 4/11/05
ocean is so much
like how you showed me up
starfish unassuming
strong-willed as a tomb
I ambled into your
pale pink atmosphere
where planets are wide-eyes
and smiles little suns
but how could you have known that you were my one
shyness is so sharp - a knife and a gun
paralyzed as prey
in a black-widow net
I cannot let you go
and I will not forget
though it wasn't my shadow
you'd seek for your shade
or my chandelier lighting
love's wit-masquerade
(there was that one moment
when you sat beside me,
arms brushing octopus-like
became twine -
but oh I could see
how she reeled in your bliss
jealousy suddenly
my pirate-nemesis
I fell back through the ranks
not-so-heart-courageous
slipping away defeated
as faith in Vegas)
how could you have known that you were my one
shyness is so sharp - a knife and a gun
and how could you have seen that you were my queen
shyness is a shard splitting sky at the seam
now losing is baffling
and musing is poor
and I'm fragile and bitter
a Solomon's whore
'cause I know that I could've
braved you that much more
if you'd met me mid-breath
on the banks of impure
but how could you have known that you were my one
shyness is so sharp - a knife and a gun
and how could you have seen that you were my dream
drowning is a bard singing silence's scream
"Proud" - 12/18/04
when I am with you I am
proud...
proud to be with you
proud to be heard
proud to be seen, I admit
(breathtaking as you are)
if your shadow were not hovering
loudly
I'd sing, vibrations permitting my heartbeat to say
what little I'm willing to articulate; that despite
being slightly less than twice your age
I've been meditating in wisterian ways
upon gardens of charming I'd
vowed...
vowed to be disciplined
vowed to behave
vowed to learn from so many slow mistakes,
cruelly as I've learned
what yet readily I'm soul-tempted
to dismiss (yes!)
I'd swing, from vine to vine in my red reckless way
with spiritless common sense lurking hot below
a boiling river of what I should know
at bay 'midst affection's naive afterglow
"Patience" - 9/22/04
the angel
who you are
listens
involuntarily
to the universe
as her heart
beats
wisdom's
truth
the angel
who you are
speaks in a voice
strong and high
as the Mountain Sinai
blessed
and holy
brushing
sky
the angel
who you are
is generous
empathic
honey-sweet
always lifting
optimism's
broken wing
gently
as a child
you spoke up:
"I want to be
a doctor 'cause
they help others
like I've been
so much..."
but oh my
sweet sister
do you know
how you've been
such a
healing
human
person
lucky us
your prophesy
came true
and now
as I watch
you go through
such a trial
Kafka never
could have painted
I believe
karma's light
shines on
the angel
who you are
loving deeply
unconditionally
as the universe
holds her heart
in its
cradle
(patience)
"Ice" - 9/14/04
murderous
softness then
loudness then
QUIET
waves tear at my
skin-heart
the weight of
hur(t)
crass
unthinkingly
slowly
since time
crept like
thieves
daylight only
surfacing
seldom as
moons
---
loathed was pretense
to souls barely immuned
from so many
disease-words
never taken back
and timeless
was friendship
but more lasting still
is the friendship
frayed by
ego's
oft-
hostile
words looks (sighs )
eyes rolled (up)
points argued (knives)
ungenerously
offered
impatiently
sharpened
resistance
is something
I'll never
AGAIN
abide (except in sleep)
salt pillars
ice cracked
drown your presence
in lack
my season is autumn
though I loathe the wind
rattles my confidence
chills my thick skin
still with its fiery
palette of trees
autumn reminds me
how bravely love leaves
leave him before he
gets more than the best of you
leave him before he
believes you are won
leave him before he
unravels the parts of you
no one has seen
often as you have run
my color is orange
though I fear the sun
bludgeons my faith
with the force of a gun
unrelenting in its
nostalgic hue
orange reminds me
hopelessly of you
leave him before he
gets more than the best of you
leave him before he
believes time is earned
leave him before he
confesses to parts of you
no one has known because
you've always turned
my arrow is crooked
though I hate to miss
it quivers 'gainst clouds
tragically targetless
still I'm alive with the
light of the new
crooked reminds me
mostly now of you
what does it mean
when drinking farewell
is more aphrodesiac
than the next greeting
still the addiction
mirrors breath's need
to indulge in everything
death would deny
her face, a candle
her lips, once truthful
now ache with white lying
across shaming distance
each petal of moonlight's
hear me...hear me not
the voice of hope's strangler
echoing in shadow
"what for" is a question
useless to the shamen
(equally mistaken
by most men for wisdom)
as women
more tidal
mine less
of doubt's ore
that ambivalence eventually
breaks through walls
wise thieves would
dread to down
realizations
become their own
kind of crazy
feckless freedom fighters
because no matter how
this chapter rests
the rhythm exists
in all of
us
of benevolence ritually
taking great falls
like sacred breaths
of weeping trees
fascinations
are their own
winding reward
shameless dancing misers
grace
that intolerence mysteriously
shakes off dust
with time's permission
as winter leaves
accept their fall
blindly following paths
forged with wind
how I suddenly re-member
this drowning, dismal bleeding
of heart into brain
and back again through
the hoop of soul's quiet circus
aching
a medieval dragon might breath less offense
than this distance abuses such slight circumstance:
your illness (my pause)
wherein I'm helpless
to welcome fever's final
breaking
what is true presence, possessing life's fuel?
determines black magic from what's merely cruel?
will there be future chances
to make up for forests
that burned up bravely
unabated
oh, how sweet misery loves to be glib -
proudly wearing light years for her icy crown -
as somehow we're magically able to spy
from decades away 'pon her beauty so rare
but do not give in, my love, yet to her dare;
for soon I'll be there fire-
breathing
Blue Rose
being at home
has never been easy
for someone as restless,
reckless as Rose
she paces her red room
as though tracing silence
might unhinge whole passages:
secrets deposed
how can it be, she laughs,
ten years and counting
...can it have been
nearly ten trees grown by?
since City's yellow fire
ignited effigies
into ambition's
orange burning desire
---
remembering what it
was like to long to be
discovered and choreographed
as stained glass
Urban of Eden's
menagerie-girl (passing
batons to whomever'd
watch as she'd twirl)
---
being alone
has always been easy
for bouquets so afraid
of losing blind purpose
like gossamer slow-falling
feathers of industry
cruelly the petals
dried from more to less
rueful do roses
draw blood (for to bless)
my soul
she was moonlit
and yes we
were longing
to speak
with someone else
as doleful
as us
all humor
aside I'm
admitting I've
failed you
by unveiling
more than
I'll ever
deem yours
- - -
though I fear
now I'll hoard
hope away
yet it wasn't
my intent
(to repeal
so well-spent
a fortune
in feeling)
I promise
I'm tossed and
train-reckoning
vacuous
floating
above us
blue angels
Chagall-like
imitating
lust with an
innocence
only love's
child playing
dressup
could muster
like young
Shirly Temple
ear-to-ear
this was
no breath
for reflection
no room for
pride's pause
freedom
like I've never known
you hold so easily
upon your lap
she fidgets and cries
while in my embrace
but you, professor of calm
displace youth's sadness
and in so singing
make me whole
yet knowledgable is this
siren of gall
that no man ever
create's woman's power
so much as invigorates
love's house of mirrors
the way the asthmatic
appreciates breathing so I'm
ameliorated by your next thought
thank G-d we are both ones
of those who count parting
as night's great elixer
bittersweet as bones
questioning...how to fill in the space that comprises my moodiness, my empty soul-shell waging war with my too-full heart head...so beautiful talking with and listening tonight one shaking hand types and knows no words can match the awkward magic silence still she tries knowing recklessness is a small price for a net that catches butterflies so sweetly as you.
---
there are are things about me that I already muse would off-put and confuse unless/until we first met on middle ground and for at least 48 hours just shared with no window through which shallow insecurity could creep. eccentricity's painfully short for bittersweet and I know I made light of my pseudo-sleeptalking but truly...I am by no means cured and self-understanding/acceptance still's new...
---
would you, could you still meet me somewhere between fear and calm, knowing you have reached a shore I've only written poetry for and sung as young actress-girls feign easily being whores? to say you barely know me might feel like a slap in the face, when all I want to do is press your forehead and hold you like waves holding clarity and arms are only half the whole sentence, the other phrase eyes, endless, empathetic ice-blue.
please know that if I was reluctant to invite you in it is because I am ashamed not of where I live but who am I, how I can live with myself and swing so red and so yellow and so green back to white before hitting vice, semi-annually it seems, where secrecy wedges walls between myself and those...who claim to understand but ego-bruised...criticize.
I love who I am when I'm being the bard, but loathe am I to share what's still winter-hard though thawing slowly into understanding of malaises I'm not even so sure I always believe in, but which paralyzes me, nonetheless, within laugher's screaming. And of course, I have to laugh...and leave...and live this life...
---
So whenever I meet someone who makes me feel temporarily free within illusion's steel I am hopefully hopeless, remorsefully happy, gratefully shattered as pieces of glass
all I ask...
all I ask...
is that you try to comprehend
that even the strongest of people (one of whom, in certain ways I surely am)
are not always the most insightful as to how
the mind can flounder
while the heart, brazen,
flies.
in your voice
stands my soul...
h y p n o t i z e d
"Blessing Over Cheap Wine" - 11/02/03
I gave myself seven minutes to decide
to drink you in or let you fall like autumn
leaves me more quickly than lovers breathe
sometimes the years are seconds sometimes
the hours rip like wind
eyes of china if
saucers were turquoise I swear
I would never leave without butterfly
kissing since circling in figures there's
no way I could have perfected alone
perfectionist cursed, affection blissed
the stories that live in my skin are wick-less
but burning still like lava beneath
what clouds cannot stain red with
broken heart-staring
shall I confess?
I was one minute shy of saying
je t'adores in languages too swift
to type or tapdance but hopeful are We
you will whisper the rest to yourself
(might I sing again for you, so blessed)
some creatures are so beautiful
it is a strain to see them through
the glow
of what you once imagined to
be possible in a person
and true
the moon is jagged, cutting 'gainst
the sky's soft indigo curtain
and eyes
like stars wink centuries-old whispers
to the tune of Gershwin-favorites
(kisses whistling)
contemplating meanings am I
of this body, conscious as Atlas
and more
easily than not I fall beneath
spirit's sun and so I meet my match
in some
one who's impossibly opposite
from everything I've ever sought yet
the one
as we all are pieces (anyhow)
of mystery and genius-dust
it falls
like ash from out loves mouth
blackening oceans in murderous
expectation-hue
shattered I listen
as if Greek,
Polis-humbled
audience
surrounding me
ocean-throated anemone
swallowing,
pitiless
___
to be just another
anchor of mirror
reflective, blending
as dye on warm skin
blessing-stained
cruelly portraited
pleasures are not
these sins
(imagined)
___
oh, Shame!
dutifully
might you remember
me out from
this crowd
fetching as I'm
buried holy in shadow
left of bland central
twelfth row,
breathing
___
silence-tattered
embraced within
embarassment's
best posture poised
holding my ground
is love soul's
greeting line
or reason's
killing field
merely a fan
always feels so
pastel and
dried flowers
= death
ears kissed
bells tolled
and I
blindly
fell
the cracking sound
of pins falling
with full force of a breaking limb
the sound of what was once long-standing
fallen as saurian souls
I witness from afar
my back sore with stalwartness
the one thing left to shape my thoughts
the sunlight-harshness of my score
lower than most (but by no means the lowest)
I'm no Olympian here in Wisconsin
___
there is a kind of sadness
withers me within
each breath exhaled
each step taken
each beating wing I perchance might tear
competing blindly as airplanes 'gainst air
and I'll win one
then I'lI lose two
considering sharply, my existence
a pin in a bowling alley
a cat with no lives left (but this)
___
Oh Love, how shall we choose to spend it
this last dance of pennycandy -
centered and flawless...
impassioned and reckless?
breathing labored
movements graceful
holding every hope
in the grip of this moment
and slowly letting go
of life's ball
to bowl
stinging me
like you're bees in my
bear-cage
the bittersweet ways
you thread through my mind
subtracting the sweet from the
sound of your voice I'd still
be left with laughter and
limitless choice
the image of it all
of your startling confidence
shining like starlight against
marble floors
wet with wakefulness and these
sudden, unshifting
desires to support
what figure-eights only
your limbs could dance slowly
in circles without even
moving around my mad
heart - the beauty of stillness
a blessing unknown to this
mansion of sadness each
room henceforth barred
to anyone else before this future
"once upon"
please
don't
wake Her from
this House's
into-the-woods
(Skyscraper
Seducer)
missive
missing
mr.
honest
what does it mean
to know Love's "meant to be"?
I think of us often
and (riddled with ocean)
lose my breath like diamonds
escaped from their settings
Truth's treasures lost -
sudden and violently!
___
they say it's all timing:
we might have met later
in gardens of God's choosing
(safer than ours)
those first golden glimpses
beyond imperfectons
respectively shining
like dew on wildflowers
___
what happens, then, makes us
revolt against nature
and like wheels of industry
pollute Faith's air?
with questioning fences,
resistent defense -
so determined to swallow
what bliss was once shared.
___
I shy away often
from what I'm reluctant
to repeat like clichés
overused and frayed
nonetheless like Shakespeare -
my authorship doubted -
you presume I've never
played in this parade
where each lover's counting
the other's offenses,
gamesmanship emerging
where once ruled the heart
and while I've been known
to arrest second-guesses
___
oh! still, from Pain's path
(courage-crowned) we must
p
a
r
t
stairs winding slowing from heights almost unattainable
blue eyes
pink skin
innocence
re-membering
...a hand's squeeze
unintended
butterfly-winged
(fragile) affection
the kind reserved for
angels.
snow-pure
and unaffected
invincible will
each breath be
each first step toward
knowing too much
...slow, strong steps toward unlearning
to trust.
___
so I wonder faithlessly why we so long
to see ourselves through children's eyes -
is it vanity, sorrow,
selflessness, surprise?
the kind you still find in yourself sometimes
when in darkness you feel
infant-like, capsized.
gypsied are our minds as they wander from
birth, and face
ill-attended the perils...
of doubt.
___
silver moons rise
casting jewels upon
jaded thoughts
where moments blur 'til
Time's soul bares Her breast
from which
lips of hope
once torn -
like weeds
unwanted -
finally suck...
confidently
innocent.
"Fire" - 8/30/02
fire is something they say:
"never play with" and
barbed-wire something that
might shred your skin
scissors are shiny yet
mishandled, weapons
careless is a country whose
borders run thin
ceramic is fragile but
soothing in making
the craftsmanship confident
smoothly it flows
from fingers to ovens where
baked it grows courageous
still when it shatters
violence is close
and hovering around each
corner of beauty's the
demon of wisdom whose
lessons are cruel
I might have already
decided to love you
in lives better-spent
breathing furor as fuel
fit for writing poems
to be sung in taverns
as Travel - love's-shield
held me safe in Her arms
soul-wandering safely
across time and distance
the mission of music
so simple, The Bard's.
but here I am homeless
no home to make solidly
my own for friends, neighbors
lovers or critters
and eyes can be watery
lips can be windy whilst
skin can be shallow like
flames feign to kiss
"melancholy..." - 8/29/02
poems are meant to
resolve what is
too
mysterious
to sort out
alone or silently
screams
of lost moments
soul-etched upon pages
where wine stains the heart's
beating shamelessly
rubied
and so I am left
to swallow what is obvious
shallow am I
to deserve less but
need more and
reckless
are we to disturb
waters calm
when we're sure
there can be no
comfort-weather
wise
as the whiteness of rivers
or coldness of distance
whose mountains
though ominous
nonetheless
remain
forever
"impatience" - 8/13/02
site-seeing you more
than I ever imagined
for better or verse
scream-singing most of
my music (for you?) now
as though to underline
the obvious
point
that you are there and I am nowhere
systematically gypsying my way
across America slowly
wondering sometimes why
wandering with so much conviction
is making me more tired than
bards ever bargained for
drunkenly as these soul-deals
are oft made...
scaring myself a little:
the truth of what makes me strong
alone and weak together sandstoning
edges of the picture of you - so sharp
and spread out
in several rooms (I imagine)
shaming me in this car
travelling circus I am so inside
wide-eyed
chasing
chalk-dustcloud-blind
and willingly
please...
asking
risk with
me please...
question only
that which holds you
too close to fire to let you breathe
and leave the rest to summer's death
as forests burn and creatures die
so angels form and spirits rise
and pheonix-like I prize
what is most
patiently
waited
for
eyes closed
I pray for more
time to be
side by
side and
laughing
child-like
asleep
or
singing
"Powder" - 7/31/01
in silence I
hear the color green with such precision
that I envy myself
my own memories
a voice is nothing more I believe
than the absence of silence
and for this I am grateful to be
heard and hand-painted by your own
the sound of you
rings through me with a weight of church bells
so heavy I start to philosophize
from that place
far underground
gravity meant for bodies, not thoughts
nonetheless my mind
is deep and dark now
like chocolate or the idea of loss
with what can I
face this silence now
there is music dripping slowly
down these canvas walls and laughing
- - -
out-of-reach as this red sofa
where I lie is held
in mid air, floating
and reaching for the sides
of my center that surround
me on every facade
of this room and remind me
of the hearts beating outside this building
where I build my voice
and where
(my sweet)
we have sung
in diverse tongues
and slept together while singing
as though there were an
audience
as captive
as dreams
and painted
with brushes of light
on walls of
full moon
yellow-gold
and smiling
against the sky
of powder blue
and red
and white
like a flag
or a soul
on fire
"remains" - 7/18/01
I am...
changed, by you, I am more myself than I was
before you kissed me
(in that hotel room - the first one -
after saying "I am not myself...")
when all was still that game
I only played to win
or to amuse myself
with stagelights' shine
but somehow now lightning
is my friend and
rain is clean where it
once polluted
my smile
as white teeth
and too much effort
left me soul-dry,
no matter the weather
but in missing you
I am still whole
somehow
though we'll have to see
(through rhinestoned glass)
how long
that lasts
before I need
you to say
I am "yours"
like laughter is yours
or your favorite color is yours...
I would not presume to know
without being told
or to impose
such passion
upon you
so bold am I
though in
your
hands
a bird
small
but
strong
and
still
remains