"Stars" - 5/28/21
For the better part of my 20's
I didn't let anyone into my apartment
I was a "workaholic" whose personal space became
A kind of chaotic receptacle for things I'd defer
Unless I absolutely had to confront; hyper-focused
Next door, I rented an office and from
Those humble beginnings sprang
A two decades dream that at times has also been
A kind of dystopia from which I couldn't wake
And yet the addiction to possibility vs. process
Itself came to feel so familiar and numbingly
Real that potential's grip could no longer hold
Out-of-body my soul hovered haplessly shouting
Names like promising, persistent, cell-resounding
Memories of a level of confidence long unlaced
Seeped from hope's pores it's seemed sometimes
That faith's inability to pick up on fraud's fears, faced
Has left surfaces more exposed than should be legal
Vulnerability veering from shame to shivering
Dependability eluding expectations' pendulum swing
Hiding in corners evading love's white light
Embarrassed and rattled by late-stage stage fright
What if I've said everything elegant I have to say
And now is the time to simply be quiet or pray
Who'll show up on the other side of unknowing
Molten lava, shape-shifting, ghost-glowing
Don't leave me is a selfish thing to say
When reality dictates we can never leave
What we truly are and time is a trilogy of
Suffering so far, healing, then fear set free
I've balance-backslided lately in spite of green tea
Slipping on peels of PTSD and no one else
Can pick them off this concrete floor but me
So don't wait but rather shine your brightest light
G-d willing after loss' time-lapse all will see stars
(Including me too, eventually)